Many of you have wondered,
asked and guessed by now that there are some pretty substantial changes
happening in the Vogt-Hennessey household. Kim and I separated in July of 2015
quietly and not without significant pain. But we’ve found ourselves a year later
in more peaceful, happier places. We’ve finally discovered a co-parenting rhythm
that works, and we recognize that we are better friends/co-conspirators in the
efforts to get our child to go the f*ck to sleep than romantic life partners.
Facing the end of fifteen
formative and pivotal years doesn’t come without its fair share of tears,
regrets all around of different heart-achy varieties, and cords that need to be
gently and lovingly severed. We’re working on that together, and I can say
unreservedly that I’m still so glad to have Kim on my team as we navigate these
not-so-stormy-but-still-emotionally-tumultuous seas. I find myself, daily,
feeling wrecked in a hundred ways even as I look forward to what is in store
for us as a family. After all, we’ve already begun to see new growth in each of
us and our lives are already richer for those who have been brought into these
endless circles of loving which have grown between us all these years.
It is, perhaps, the selling
and packing up of this house that has made me the most heartsick. With my
military upbringing, I’ve never been one to get attached to “place.” In other
words, a house has never been indicative of “home.” But this house comes close;
here, I tended to my hopeful, though teetering, conception of place/home. It’s
the place where my baby learned to walk, where I nursed my mother through her
dying days, where I gathered my siblings and their people to feed them, where I
allowed my imagination to take root as I contemplated my son growing up and stomping
up these stairs in teenage angst. I settled into this place, and let myself be
lulled into the beauty of the everyday. I learned to find comfort in the return
to the familiar. I began to understand the desire of belonging to a place
rather than being lured by the prospect of the “beyond”—another house, another
city, another state.
Yet, here we are, at the
place where ends and beginnings meet. Maybe in another fifteen years I’ll look
back at this particular point that we’ve plotted out in the long lines of our
lives and it will feel less like an end and more like the beginning of other
things. In this moment it feels impossible, as endings often do, to decipher
(despite knowing all the intricacies of the past several years) the cracks and
fissures that led us here. And somehow, we’re still responsible for guiding our sweet
little guy through this moment. If I can say so, I think we’ve done a pretty
good job so far of providing him with as much stability and support as we have
been able to muster and then some. But this part? This is, perhaps, one of the most difficult
parts yet.
You know me, I’ve already
talked to death, waded through and asked all the appropriate things with/for Bennett. I’ve
prepped him, made space for, walked delicately around and stared down the
barrel at the ways this move might affect him, just as I have every step of the
way in this process. I’ve already told him that we take all the important
things with us. We take the memories we’ve made, the stuff we love, and the
people who belong to us. I joked that we are like Kakuna or Metapod. We have to
leave our outside shells behind to evolve, and this house-shell just isn’t the
right size for us anymore. (What can I say? Pokémon Go metaphors are where he’s
at right now.)
But the sadness and loss are
also real. I'd be remiss not to recognize that for him. For all of us, really. So once this house is emptied out, we’ll come back here to say our
goodbyes and pay our respects to the way this house has sheltered us, held us
and afforded us so much solace in some seriously shit-tastic years. I keep
thinking through and playing out the various scenarios for how this might go. I
can imagine the three of us crying and laughing together as we remember our
favorite/special memories of each room. But I can also imagine Kim and I
dissolving into weeping puddles while Bennett delights in the emptiness, in the
novelty of the newly created space that might be transformed into numerous play scenarios/places.
I suppose that I, too, will begin to race ahead, imagining the way a new family will
fill these rooms.
That’s how it works, doesn’t
it? We’ll leave the traces of our sorrow in the empty hallways. We’ll leave our
laughter in the living room that’s filled with light and air and that sold this
house to me when I first entered it. We’ll leave the echoes of lives lived
well, here, even in the midst of pain, death and loss. And before we know it,
in bits and pieces, those things will fade. They’ll be filtered through the
nostalgia of memory like some hazy instagram filter. The rooms will feel bigger
or smaller, brighter or darker, warmer or colder depending on the day and the
way I’d like to rewrite our lives.
As I type this, I’m sitting
at the kitchen table in front of the nearly wall-sized window that my mom sat
in front of every day as she drank her morning coffee. A black capped chickadee is
perched on the feeder that I hung in the tree just a few months ago. I can’t help
but wish I’d hung it sooner. It’s another regret of sorts, but Bennett and I
have also found such immense joy in this little thing, even if only for a
little while. And at the end of things, isn’t that all we can ask? That’s what
I’ll tell him one day. Ends let us leave, to some extent, the painful parts that
no longer serve us as we move forward into the joyful parts of our choosing. May
we not drag any more shit than necessary along with us.